Early morning post..... Coughing little girl

*cough cough*

I lay next to my 2 year old and my heart breaks for her. I just want to take it away. Because I know how important sleep is. Especially as I lay awake beside her at 1am, knowing my mobile alarm will be ringing in only a few hours.

I pray, again, that God would take it away. In Jesus name, quoting scripture, begging again and again, and I wait... and her breathing changes, and I wonder if a miracle has happened...

....then the coughing happens again. Argh!

Then my anger, frustration that He hasn't heard me. Or maybe that He has and doesn't care. Or that He has heard, He does care and still thinks it is best that she continues to cough on. Why? Is there something I must do? What am I learning here Lord?

I get a cup of warm water, honey and lemon - wake her slightly enough to sip through the straw - "Yucky" she then says and turns away from me. At least I know some got in there!

Blankets, changing the fan, moving pillows - what else? What can I do?Should I be at the doctors more? Why do I dislike medication so much? Is drugs the answer? Should she be taking that medication?

Guilt streams in - is it her diet? The dust in her vacuumed-every-other-day room? The food I feed her? Why can't I be more like the healthy mums? Watching numbers and checking colours.

Spiraling down... down... I beat up myself. Do I have too many kids? Not enough time? Too stretched? 

I shake myself from this stinking thinking. I've been in this dark place before. It does not help. 

I move rooms - and focus on Him instead. I can't sleep, so I listen for Him. What does He want to say to me at this time...

I read the words in a post, and they resonate with me. So I message it to myself. And now I share it with you.
"Stay here. Hear"

...from Ann's post: When you're waiting for a message from God
Hours later, over the words of the song that is on repeat, I can now here the birds. I suddenly realise that I can no longer hear the coughing. When did that happen?

Sometime between me taking my focus off the problem and focusing back on Him. 

Today's daily bread. Much earlier then I would of liked - but there are some things more important then sleep. And sometimes, it is the only time He can really get my undivided attention.

Forgive me Father, and thank You for loving me that much

xKelly